Washroom Interview

I was messing around with my artist's statement trying make it interesting. What I came up with was a script. It's completely imaginary. Okay, sorta. Imaginary.

It's a bit, uh, unprofessional for an artist statement, but I love it. It's me through and through. Though it may not measure up for my official artist's statement, it's perfect for my blog. Welcome to my inner world!

Warning! The following contains rude and odd subject matter. Reader discretion is advised.

Liam stands in the men’s room peeing. He is interviewing himself, dreaming of being a rich and famous artist.

Interviewer: What kind of painting do you do, Liam?

Liam: I do the kind of painting I like.

Interviewer: Okay then Mr. cryptic, what kind of painting do you like, then?

Liam: Allow me to answer your thoughtful question now, while I make sure I don’t step in any of this nastiness on the floor.

Interviewer: You’re making the nastiness worse.

Liam: (singing happily) Splish splash, I was taking a slash…

I like paintings that are full of improvisation. I like when a painting is taken to the place where it “works” and no further so it’s alive, rough and it has those unplanned-for happy accidents. If it’s not designed well, it’s just messy. But if those moments of happenstance are harnessed with design, there’s something divine that happens.

Interviewer: (snarky) Well, that sounds VERY ARTFUL.

Liam: You getting’ lippy with me?

Interviewer: Lippy? Who you callin’ lippy? I’m a professional.

Liam: You’re a figment of my imagination.

Interviewer: A professional figment of your imagination.

So Liam, what is your art about?

Liam: That question almost redeems your lippiness.

Interviewer: (Stepping out of the way) Hey, watch where you aim that thing.

Liam: (Laughs evilly) Shake it like a Polaroid picture…

In the broad strokes, my work is abstract. I do decorative, Christian and musical themes, and I’m modernist. I don’t like labels generally, but modernist is a term that definitely applies.

Interviewer: What does “modernist” mean?

Liam: It means modern: like ipods and Blackberries.

Interviewer: No it doesn’t.

Liam: No, it doesn’t. Sorry, didn’t mean to talk down to you.

Interviewer: I hate being talked down to.

Liam: You’re a very sensitive figment of my imagination.

Interviewer: I’m sensitive, and you’re going pee. Who knows who’s going to read this thing?

Liam: Modernist. Ah yes. Well, modernist means I make paintings that are intriguing in their own right, not because of what they illustrate. They’re happy being paintings and nothing more. Call them paintings without insecurity issues.

Interviewer: People love confidence.

Liam: Don’t they, though? (Looking around) There’s no toilet paper.

Interviewer: Oh crap.

Liam: Good idea. (Grin)